Understanding Guru Hopping
Today we’ll talk about guru hopping, something I did a lot. You all are already doing it on certain levels and the mechanism behind it. Why do we do it first? And can we dismantle this entire mechanism of going from one teacher to another?
The Parallel of Falling in Love
So let’s start with a very simple example. And this example will kind of set the tone for the entire talk. So bring to your mind the first time you fell in love, right? What is the entire cycle of it?
So you meet someone for the first time and then there is some kind of connection, attraction, and that then becomes an infatuation. You like the person, there is that rush. There is a chemical storm in your brain. You like the person very much, you’re infatuated, and then you want to be with them all the time and then you start idolizing them.
I’ve heard this from people who are in love at that moment, that this is the person. They are so exceptional. I have never met a person like this. They are the one. I love them. Can’t think of my life without them. That’s when you’re idolizing them and then you’re together.
But the chemical storm, the dopamine and the serotonin and whatever is happening in your brain is not sustainable. It will subside and slowly when you’re together, it subsides and the high goes down and now you start seeing the flaws of the person. You know, earlier on they were perfect, but now they’re not perfect and you see things which you would have missed when you were high, and then slowly that starts disappointing you.
So there’s a clash between fantasy—where the person was—and where the person is. And once that happens, you start becoming disappointed. “Oh, I thought this person was X, but he’s not like that. He’s not what I thought.”
And with that disappointment, ultimately there is a breakup. You separate and you say, “I’m done with this person. They’re not what they looked like. It’s the end.” And of course, every breakup is with hurt and pain and disappointment.
And then what happens? You look for the next one. You’re already on Tinder or Facebook or wherever it is. You’re looking for the next partner or next person to love, right? And many of you would have gone through multiple cycles of it, you know: infatuation, idealization, living together, breakdown of fantasy, disappointment, breakup, back to square one. Look for the next one.
Applying the Pattern to Spiritual Teachers
Now look at guru hopping in the same light, and it will make a lot of sense to you. You meet a teacher for the first time, right? And you like them. There’s a connection. For whatever reason, you know, we feel energetically or their words touch you. And then after a while, you know, being with them, you say, “OK, this is the person I’ve been waiting for my whole life.”
And you start idolizing them because you felt a connection, you felt something good, you felt bliss, you felt whatever. And you idolize: “Oh, this is the guy or girl or person who will lead me to the truth, to enlightenment, to awakening,” or whatever. You project your fantasies.
After three or four months, the initial rush dies down, or six months, and then you start seeing the flaws or the things you missed. And then after a year, you think, “No, this person is not what I thought they were, or they have not delivered on the promise which I projected onto them, right?” And then the disappointment will turn into a breakup and you will leave the guru.
But then you’re looking for the next one already. You’re not sitting idle. You’re looking for the next one, and the same cycle will repeat with the next guru. So I saw that cycle repeat in me repeatedly. And this happens a lot in the initial part of your practice, and it happens less and less as you mature.
The Silent Plea and the Search for Freedom
But this mechanism, once you see it, it becomes very apparent. We move from one teacher to another. And whenever you go to a teacher, what are you looking for? There is a silent plea inside you. The plea is: May this person be the one who awakens me. May this person be the one who takes away my suffering. May this person be the one who takes me away from all this confusion, from all this pain.
So there is a plea. There is a silent emotion running underneath. When we meet a teacher, right, we’re not meeting a teacher out of a vacuum. There is a need in us. And that need, for most of us, is freedom—help us break free from unreality or help us find the truth. And that makes us approach another teacher now.
So the first mechanism is, you know, you see a teacher, you get the rush, the rush dies down, you go to the next teacher.
The Guru Connoisseur
But that’s just one mechanism. A lot of other mechanisms make us hop from one teacher to another. The second mechanism, that’s very interesting. I call it the guru connoisseur.
So there are some people who love collecting gurus and teachings, and then they will actually collect and learn so much about the teacher. They’ll know all the finer points. They’ll say, “This teacher said that, and no, no, this teacher said this, and that teacher said that, and they were born here, and they had this experience.” So their idea of the path is collecting more and more knowledge and teachers and gurus, but not following probably the teachings. So these people also will hop from one teacher to another because they like collecting. That’s their passion.
Spiritual Escape and Unconscious Bargains
Then another mechanism which I saw and which happens a lot is spiritual escape. And this happens in relationships as well. So say you fell in love with someone. You have your own baggage, you have your own fears, you have your own desires, you have your own complications. You are with the other person, but you’re refusing to see that in yourself. You project, and after a while, the relationship falls off. You move to the next relationship, but the pattern continues because you have not done the initial groundwork on yourself.
I’ve seen this happen with teachers as well. So you’ll go to a teacher. You like them, you love them for whatever reasons, but you refuse to do the inner work. You refuse to look inward. You put all the responsibility on the teacher: “The teacher will enlighten me. The teacher will get me there.” So of course it’s not my responsibility anymore.
So if you don’t do the groundwork, after a while the teacher will disappoint you because the restlessness is still there, the confusion is still there, the suffering is still there. And my bargain with the teacher was, “You will take that all away.” That’s a bargain you have with the teacher, right? And it’s an unconscious bargain.
Examining the Bargain
Let me do a small exercise right now for a minute. You know, what is a bargain you have with me? What do you think I’ll give you? There has to be some unconscious bargain, something that you think I will deliver, something that you think I can give you on some level. You don’t have to tell it to me, but it’s a good exercise to think: What is my bargain with my teacher? And can my teacher fulfill that bargain?
And it’s the same thing when we fall in love, you know, we have an undisclosed, unconscious, subconscious bargain where, OK, I love you and in return you’ll make me whole, you’ll make me complete, you’ll fulfill me, and you’ll give me this love and attention and specialness or whatnot. What happens if the bargain is not fulfilled? Of course, you’ll move to the next one.
But with the bargain not being fulfilled, do you also have a role to play in it? Similarly, like in a marriage or when you’re in love, you break apart and you blame the person for everything. And this is so funny: when you are in love, the person is like God, and when you break up, they’re like a demon. And I’ve heard people say, “My ex is a demon,” and he’s the same person. The person has not changed for most of it. Of course, they’ve not changed—that same person. And what has changed? It’s the projections, your disappointments. It’s a similar cycle which happens with teachers.
Chasing the Rush vs. Real Inner Work
Of course, I’m not saying all teachers are great. There are legitimate reasons to leave a relationship with a teacher: exploitation, abuse, abuse of authority. Of course, we all understand that. But we are talking about something else. We are talking about: Are we using guru hopping as a rush and not doing the inner work, or is the guru actually exploitative? There’s a difference here.
So each guru, each teacher will give you that initial rush of, you know, “Oh, this is new. I love this, and why didn’t I ever think of this? This is a great insight. I’m going to stick with that person now.” Once you’re with them, the rush dies. Then the real work happens because you will have to look inward, and some people don’t want to do that. So then they find the next rush. So that’s another mechanism why people do a lot of guru hopping.
The “Next One” Illusion
Another last mechanism, I call it the “next one” illusion. The next one will enlighten me. The next partner will be perfect. The next lover will fulfill or give me what the previous one couldn’t. The next retreat will give me the insight I’m lacking. The next book will give me what I don’t know. The next YouTube video will give me the philosophies I’ve been lacking for all these years.
The next one—you see, in every one of these narratives, we are somehow looking for the next experience or guru or teacher or video or book, doesn’t matter. But the next one will somehow give me something which I’m missing.
Now this again is another mechanism for guru hopping. This one didn’t do it, but the next one will. How do you know? How do you know the next one will do it? Maybe no one will do it.
So once you see these mechanisms in yourself already, you will know why you are changing gurus. Because everyone’s story is different, everyone’s needs are different. So at least you’ll become aware: “OK, in my past 10 years, I’ve been to X number of gurus. Was it because I was escaping my own suffering, or was I chasing the rush? Or am I too restless to sit and be with the discomfort, and that’s why I’m always engaged with something, with the other?” And that is for you to answer.
Now, seeing the mechanism, what do you do about it? Is there a way of breaking free from the mechanism? Is there a way of not going to the next guru?
Dismantling the Cycle: Stopping at Disillusionment
So even in this room, there are some of you who have been with me for many years, some of you are new, and some of you will go away. You know, the bargain will not work. I’ll break that bargain. You will be disappointed. And one day you’ll come up and say, “Hey, I thought Rajiv would, you know, deliver me from whatever or awaken me or take away my suffering. But he didn’t. So it’s time for me to move on.” And that’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. I understand.
What I want you to do: If you leave me, I want you to stop there. Stop. Don’t look for the next fix. Don’t look for the next rush. Don’t look for the next answer. Can you use this disappointment, you know, disillusionment? Many of you have disillusionment on the path, you know, with teachers, with teachers who have walked the path for a long time. You will be disillusioned. Even I was. I was so disillusioned I became an atheist for a part of my life. I’ve talked about it a lot.
But again, you know, you don’t like me. You move away from me. Fine. Can you stop there, not looking for the next one? What is driving you to look for the next one? Can I use the disillusionment, the disappointment I had with this teacher—with any teacher, doesn’t matter—as a doorway? Can I use it as a doorway?
I can only use it as a doorway when I stop looking for the next one. If I look for the next one, I’m again in the same cycle. I’m repeating the same pattern again and again. It will not break.
So what you do next time a teacher disappoints you or you want to break away: break away and then investigate this disappointment. Investigate this pain and suffering and the bargain broken. Sit with it, sit with the discomfort, sit with the pain without trying to find a fix. The problem is the next—again, you know, “the next one will fix this in some form or the other.”
There is no next one. What is here is here, right now, in this moment, in this space, and that’s all it is. And when you stop looking for the next one, you will be able to be in this “what is” rather than looking for something in the future or a person to take away your pain and your darkness and your suffering or what not. So the first step of dismantling this is understanding the disappointment and then stopping, not continuing the cycle again and again.
Implementing One Teaching and Taking 90 Days
Of course the mind will come up and say, “If I don’t have a teacher, how will I move forward? I will be in darkness.” But the room here is very well read. You know, you all are very, very well read. Most of you have read so many books. I think you are over-read and you’ve overwatched and you’ve collected too many philosophies and books, right? So you already know what needs to be known. There’s nothing more to know. A new teacher will not say any magical words which are different.
So it’s time for you to take any teaching. So the second part of how to dismantle this is: take any teaching that you have read—one line—and try to implement it wholeheartedly. Just one teaching, whatever you know, whatever you feel drawn to, whatever attracts you. Because if you don’t do that, what’s the point of collecting books after books and watching YouTube video playlists endlessly? It will not get you where you want to be.
Another thing: the next time you break off with a teacher, give yourself 90 days, three months, where you’re not going to look for another teacher, where you’re not going to look for another teaching, another book.
Examining Desire: Truth vs. Comfort
Instead, those three months should be spent in contemplation of what you wanted from the teacher. What are my desires? Am I looking at escaping suffering through enlightenment, through awakening? Am I looking at the teacher to remove my confusion? What am I looking at?
Once you understand what you’re looking for, it’s very, very important on the path to understand that. What is your drive? Is it for truth or comfort? Sometimes we interchange these two things without knowingly doing so. We think truth and comfort are the same thing, but this path is not a comfortable path. This is a path where you face discomfort, because if you want comfort, there are drugs and alcohol and sex and Netflix that give you comfort. But again, it keeps the cycle on.
So on this path, with breakup, with looking for gurus, you are looking for relief. And let’s be honest about it—it’s OK to look for relief. It’s OK to look for relief from suffering, from pain. There’s nothing wrong in it. But the relief is again short. You go with a teacher—one year, six months—you get some relief. It’s transient, it goes off. You move to the next teacher thinking maybe they’ll give me the relief that I’m wanting.
So breaking this cycle is first understanding, “What am I looking for?” and then secondly, giving space to this discomfort, to this confusion. There’s nothing wrong with confusion, you know? We are too fast at trying to fix everything. What’s wrong with being confused? You know, it’s OK. It’s a state which arises in all of us, including other states. We give it some time instead of rushing to fix it. And maybe by being with that confusion…
The Trap of Seeking the Flawless Teacher
Of course, being with confusion is something which we don’t want. We want certainty, right? We all want certainty. And that’s why there is a group of seekers who then look for the perfect teacher, the flawless teacher, the teacher who has no flaws, is perfect in every sense, and the teaching is completely perfect and has no flaws logically. But underneath is the bargain that “I don’t want to be cheated.” And that happens when you’ve been through a lot of breakups. You then don’t want to be with a guru who will waste your time or a teaching which will not deliver. So then you fall into the trap of looking for the perfect teacher.
No teacher is perfect. They’re all humans. You will not get an extraordinary teacher, and I think Zen puts it very beautifully. If you’ve read the works of Linji or Bankai, Zen talks about being very ordinary in the most ordinary way. They define enlightenment, you know, as chopping wood and carrying water. There can’t be anything more ordinary than this.
And the teachers are very ordinary in the Zen tradition. I think it’s in the Indian tradition where teachers were put or the gurus were put on a pedestal, then stripped down. And I think the strip down is essential because then you’re not projecting all the superhuman qualities onto the teacher or the guru and getting disappointed.
So then again, the next one will be the perfect teacher, the flawless teacher. No, I’m sorry to say that there are no flawless teachers. Even if you went to Ramana, he had his own preferences and idiosyncrasies. Each teacher had them. You love Ramana because you’re not staying physically with him, because he’s in the books. You see, all the teachers you love are in the books, not physical. When you stay physically with the teacher, you see them for what they are, and they’re humans. They will forget. They have memory lapses, they get exhausted, they get tired, mix up things. They’re humans. You have to understand that has got nothing to do with the truth they have seen. That consciousness or the state of immensity that they have seen has got nothing to do with the physical vehicle they are in.
And see for yourself: are the teachers that you love, are they dead or how long have you been with a live teacher? Because being with a live teacher is difficult because it will challenge your fantasies about what a teacher is.
The True Role of a Guru
And also the word guru, you know, in Sanskrit, it has various meanings. The main and the actual meaning most of you will know is “the dispeller of darkness.” That’s it. That’s it. No authority. You don’t need to surrender your life and your finances and your bank accounts. What the teacher is supposed to do is show you the path. And once you understand that role, you will not be disappointed. Because then you’re not projecting all your fantasies onto him. You’re not asking him or her to do the work for you.
I can’t hand you enlightenment. I can’t hand you awakening. I can’t. Seriously, even Buddha couldn’t do that. If he could, he would have made the entire world enlightened. Why not? Buddha was one of the most compassionate beings, right? We all agree. The most loving one. If he could have given enlightenment, he would have given it to everyone. He would not have spared a single soul. That means the teacher cannot give it to you. So stop projecting that onto the teacher. The teacher will just show you a mirror and the work that needs to be done.
Sitting with “What Is”
So what is the work that needs to be done? The work is to be with the “what is” right now, and the “what is” is: I’m unenlightened. I don’t know with certainty what the truth is. I’ve got this suffering, I’ve got pain. I’ve got questions. I don’t like myself, maybe, as I am. I’m not happy with the state of the world and myself.
That is what is, right? And can I have the capacity to be and sit with the “what is”? If I can, you will see your need to go to the next teacher automatically drops.