Audio Transcript
Today’s topic is the hidden wound of shame and guilt that seekers carry on the path.
A Confession from a Long-Time Seeker
Now, a very seasoned and old timer spiritual seeker was having a talk with me and while we were talking, he had been following the path for a long time but still there was a lot of gaps between his knowledge and his daily life.
And during the conversation he confessed, and, that was with a lot of shame and discomfort, and his eyes were almost tearing up. So, he said, people around me think I’m a failure and some days I believe them.
Recognizing a Common Pain
And that night I sat with that statement for a long time. The statement didn’t surprise me because I recognized it. I had seen these similar feelings of shame and guilt during my time of seeking and walking the path.
And I also realized almost every person who walks seriously into this inquiry carries that raw wound, that raw pain, somewhere beneath all the meditation cushions, beneath all the books and the Satsangs and the retreats.
The Unspoken Cost of the Path
And this is a serious question and requires a serious inquiry into.
Most spiritual teachers don’t talk about this and this can shake the very foundation of a spiritual life. But for most of us who have been seriously trying to find the truth and understand our own identities and Self and Consciousness, the path comes with some real material cost.
And we have not acknowledged this material cost and the sacrifice which is required on this path. I’ve heard often people talk about all the good things, they talk about, you know, the bliss, the silence. And of course that’s all real.
But there’s also a cost to it, and the cost is less income, less progression in career. That leads to less financial security, that then leads to less social recognition and status.
Some of us must have left relationships. There was a time when I moved away from my family and I moved away from my mom who loved me very, very, very much.
So, all of us have made sacrifices in different ways and on some level, we have not acknowledged it, as a community, as a group.
The Story the Mind Creates
Our lifestyles are – They don’t photograph well; they’re not Instagram ready.
And somewhere along the path, the mind takes all of that and builds a story that this is the proof that I’m not adequate. This is a proof that maybe I’m a failure.
And these thoughts are not constant. They come up at times, that come up during times of darkness, during times of conflict, and they can be pretty distressing. And most of the time we just push it aside.
But the raw truth is spiritual awakening or spiritual path does not make you immune to all these feelings. It doesn’t switch it off. What it does or what it can do is it gives you a completely different relationship to it.
But first you have to stop pretending that these feelings or emotions aren’t there. Because the moment you dress it up in a spiritual language, I’m beyond desire, I’ve transcended attachment, I’ve transcended everything material; You’ve again buried the wound under a story.
And it’s been my experience that buried wounds don’t heal, they fester.
Bringing the Wound into the Light
So, we need to bring all these emotions and feelings to the light, and the first step is to acknowledge them. And all of you would have walked away from a life that you had earlier on. And sometimes you’re scrolling through your phone and you would see someone from your old life posting photos of a promotion or a new house. And at times you will feel something uncomfortable arise.
It’s not jealousy, but something a bit older, like a guilt and shame of a road not taken of making this choice of maybe leaving a career, leaving opportunities, leaving a relationship, and in a way, you left behind.
And this is very important to acknowledge and understand consciously. On subconscious level we understand, but consciously you need to understand that you left behind a version of yourself that the world understood and rewarded, because the material world can only understand and reward material status and material progress and achievement and all of it.
But you left that version behind because you felt a call for a higher purpose. And because of that call, you are here and they are there, wherever that is.
The Mind’s Comparison
And at times the mind will say look what they have and look what I don’t have. And is it wrong to feel this way? Is it wrong to feel that oh! I should have maybe taken care of my finances or taken that promotion or maybe I should have had XYZ? I should have had more love in my life?
Is it wrong to feel this way?
I think spirituality and not all the teachers, but some of the teachings do make us feel that way.
I felt ashamed of these thoughts and feelings. I felt guilty. And there were times when I used to ask myself, you know, I have meditated for 16 hours a day. So why do these emotions still come up?
The Two Layers of Suffering
And so, the first thing we need to admit to ourselves, is that at times we want things. And this thought of wanting the things makes us feel ashamed and guilty.
So, one is the thought, I want something or I could have been better off, or there is an occasional stirring in my mind or in your mind where you see a fancy car or something else and you say, OK, I want that. That’s one part of the equation.
The other part is this thought itself creates another layer of shame and guilt because then you say yourself, I’m spiritual, I should not feel like that. Or this is an unspiritual thought. This thought is not right. I need to transcend it.
You have read again and again that desire is the root of all suffering. You’ve heard it 1000 times. So, this wanting feels like a failure. So, the first arrow is this thought which creates discomfort. And then there are subsequent arrows of shame and guilt, of wanting something material. So, the suffering and the conflict and the wound compounds with these two layers.
Why Are We Criminalizing Our Thoughts?
So, my question is, why are we criminalizing what arises? If inquire deeply we are criminalizing these thoughts, these emotions.
Is the teaching about the part about repressing and criminalizing and saying these thoughts should not be here or feeling guilty and ashamed of it? Or is it about seeing clearly what you desire and why?
The Two Loops Inside a Seeker
So, a spiritual seeker has two loops going inside of them. I’m not saying all of you, but most of you will have those two loops.
So, one loop says that the world and its rewards, the material life, the recognition, being seen, being felt, being loved, being wanted are all meaningless. They’re an illusion. They are Maya. You’re not it, it’s not the self, whatever.
But there is another loop going on that feels the wound and the sting of not having these. And so, the two loops running simultaneously, which create a lot of contradiction and conflict.
And what I have seen is most people try to resolve it by numbing one of the sites. So, some people will later on abandon the path and maybe go total into materiality, or others would try to numb this part of wanting, of desiring, of seeking.
But both these paths are not leading us closer to the truth.
Shame and Guilt as Doorways
Whenever this guilt and shame arise, I think it’s a good sign. I see them as doorways, not as a failure.
So, you can look at the shame and guilt and all these thoughts which arise as saying, oh! I failed on the path. I’ve read all the teachings of Ramana and Nisargadatta and here I am, you know, being craving this and craving that.
So, you can see it as a failure or you can see it as a doorway. This change in perception can change your relationship with whatever is arising. Because all the time you’re surrounded by teachings about, you know, ego dissolution, dissolve the ego, not identify, everything is an illusion.
So, whenever the shame arises, it has nowhere to go. You’re not even acknowledging the shame because you’re ashamed of the shame. Isn’t that ironic, being ashamed of the shame?
But we were. I was. And I’ve gone very deeply into the whole matrix of it. I’ve seen it very clearly how the mind represses itself.
So, these whole emotions and feelings were underground, but going underground doesn’t mean they’re not there.
How Repressed Feelings Leak Out
It will leak sideways. It will leak in defensiveness, in withdrawal. It will leak as low-grade depression as a low-grade anxiety that I have seen many seekers wear on the path.
Holding the Wound
So, what’s the way out? How do we understand?
We don’t have to feel ashamed of all these feelings. We don’t even have to say you’re not good or bad. The moment we’re doing this; we’re creating another loop in us.
So, whenever this ache, this wound arises, you need to become someone who is able to hold it. I’m not asking you to resolve it. I’m not asking you to transcend it. Those are very big, heavy words right now.
And the heavier the expectation, the more shame and guilt you feel. So, let’s start small.
Let’s first try to hold them to the light and when they come up, not criminalize them or not beat ourselves up.
It’s OK.
They’re just thoughts and emotions and desire and it’s OK to have them. Let them arise, watch them.
And underneath also remember and know – you have made sacrifices for this path and it’s OK to make sacrifices for something bigger. You have made the sacrifice for something which is infinite.
Of course, you can’t see or feel it right now, but you have had glimpses of it and you know it’s true.
It’s there, it’s just a matter of time.
Finding Peace with the Sacrifice
So, when you change your perception, your relationship with this lack and want and desire, then on some level the mind can find peace. The mind can rest and say, OK, I gave it up and that’s OK.
And if I still feel a sting, I will watch it. I’ll not repress it. I’ll not feel guilty about it.
Because when you sit with it with that wound and that pain, you’ll see it softening because you have stopped fighting it. And in that stopping, something larger comes into being.
The Spaciousness Beneath the Story
A Spaciousness that was always there underneath that story, underneath that shame.
And that spaciousness, that vastness is what I’m trying to point at in the Satsang all the time. It’s a living recognition that who you are is not diminished or measured by what you have or haven’t achieved. That guilt and shame can move through you without becoming the whole story of who you are.
Letting the Stories Fall Away
And ultimately you give up all these stories one by one.
So, I’m not going to offer you a five-step framework for releasing shame or releasing this guilt.
I’ll just ask you to do something very simpler for this week. You know, if you feel these feelings of inadequacy, don’t repress them.
They’re uncomfortable. And don’t say why am I having this. Don’t put on a spiritual label to it or an unspiritual label to it. Don’t see it through those lenses. See them just as thoughts and feelings arising. Give them space. Give them love.
That wound is there for a reason.
It’s trying to speak to you and it’s OK for it to be here.
Your worth is not measured either by the wound or the guilt or the shame, or what this material world and society uses to measure you.
You are that infinite self.
You are that infinite consciousness and all the stories just appear and disappear in that vast field.