Audio Transcript
The question of who you are in relation to your past is not a small question, and it is not a question of personality or psychology alone. Tonight, I want to sit with you in the weight of this question, and we don’t want to rush to answers. I’m not here to offer you a spiritual shortcut, but we want to look at it together honestly.
And this question goes right to the heart of every spiritual tradition. All the spiritual traditions have pointed at this very question: Who are you, really? Are you your history, or are you something else? It goes right to the heart of whatever every spiritual tradition has ever pointed at. Who are you, really? Are you your history? Are you something else entirely?
So, past is very much interwoven with what we think we are – what we think our identity is. And there is something very interesting which I noted when I used to contemplate, which is that there is a version of me that only appears late in the night. So, late at night, when the noise has stopped, you’re lying in your bed, your phone is switched off, the TV is switched off, everyone else is sleeping, and there’s no more activity. And then, there is a version of me which has no escape.
And this version of me would generally start playing back the past, or the past would intrude and come forward during those hours of the night. And it would be more like a movie replaying itself again and again. Similar thoughts of what I did, what I didn’t do, regrets, mistakes. Of course, there were times when you think about the past and you are very happy. But then again, that happiness also creates more misery because then you compare and say, “Oh, it was so happy and beautiful when I was with such and such person, when I was with my girlfriend or boyfriend, and now it’s all gone.” So, even remembering the good times is good for a moment, but then it brings in the comparison and then the suffering.
And most of these nights, I saw an undercurrent, and I want you to pay very strong attention to the words I’m going to say now because it’s very important. So, for me, the undercurrent was: This is who I really am. So, there is one thought where I said, “I did something wrong.” And then there is another version which says, “I am wrong.” And psychologists call this the difference between guilt and shame. So, guilt is saying, “I did something wrong.” Shame is, “I’m wrong at my core,” so there’s something wrong with me. Now, these two are very different modes of thinking. And as I analyzed it further, I saw that guilt led to shame. So, guilt is mostly an action and a judgment on that action, and shame is an identity which we take on because of that action.
So here, action and identity, guilt and shame, are two very different things. But if you don’t pay close attention, you will miss that subtle difference. I also noticed that there is a voice in my head, and there is a voice in your head as well. And that voice has a very strong opinion about you. So, the opinion is not mostly about what you did, but about what you are. And that distinction is very important.
So, if I ask you right now, “Did you make a mistake 10 years ago?” or “Did you do something wrong one year ago?”, most of you will come up and say, “Yeah, I did this; this was wrong.” And that is an honest answer. It’s factual. Mistakes are made. But sometimes the mind doesn’t stop there. It will go deeper. It will turn that action into an identity. So, it will turn that verb into a noun. It will take the thing that you did and transform it into what you are.
So, for example, “I failed” will become “I am a failure.” So you see, “I failed” is a fact; “I am a failure” is an identity. “I hurt someone” will become “I am a bad person.” Again, “I hurt someone” is a fact – you might have done something which was wrong – but how does that convert into a label?
So, I noticed this grammar: a very subtle shift in how we internally assess our past. And I always saw that it moves from action to identity. So action, as I said, is “I failed”; identity is “I am a failure.” And once the mind labels something, it sticks to it like a tag. And during this time at night, when you’re all alone and there’s nothing much to do with your thoughts, there’s no distraction. The mind has a tendency to pull out all these tags and labels and hold them up and say, “This is what you are.”
In psychology, we call it internalized shame. But what we are investigating today goes even deeper than psychology. So, the mind gives a verdict and says, “This is who I am.” But who gave the mind the authority to define you in the first place? And why do we accept this definition so easily without questioning it?
One example I can give is when we are watching a movie and you see the screen has different situations where there is a fire, or a flood, or there is a murder, or there’s a wedding – joy. But the movie ends and the screen remains the same. Similarly, your awareness, your consciousness, goes through all those past actions. So the present becomes the past, and then it becomes crystallized, and then it creates an identity: “I am so and so, and I did so and so, and that is what I am.”
But all these things appear in your consciousness like, you know, scenes playing out on a movie screen. Has the screen been damaged? Has the screen been diminished? Does the screen come up and say, “I’m a failure,” because maybe at the end the protagonist dies or the good guy dies? No. Similarly, you’ll have to remember that this entire past is a movement in your consciousness. The mistakes you made, the worst things that you have done, arose in that consciousness and played out in the past.
What remained when everything is gone? You remain. This awareness remains.
So, when we let the past create an identity for us, we are confusing the film for the screen. We are confusing a passing event for the unchanging presence that witnesses it. I’ll give you a very beautiful simile which came to my mind years back. And at that time, you know, we were still using letters and stamps and cards, and we used to post stuff to each other. So, for those who have posted letters and stamps, you’ll remember: we take the letter, put a stamp, go to the post office, and post it. And then, the letter goes through different post boxes, sorting facilities, trucks, planes, and trains. And ultimately, it is delivered to the other party.
So, the stamp and the envelope have been everywhere. It is crumpled, it is torn, it is dirty. There’ll be stamps and markings on it. Now imagine someone looks at the envelope and says, “This letter – the letter inside – has been damaged in transit.” Why? Because the envelope is damaged, or the envelope is crumpled, or the envelope is dirty. “So the message inside it is also dirty.” That would be very absurd. The envelope is not the message. Both are very different.
Similarly, your history, your mistakes, your past – the damage and the marks that life has left on the outside. And life leaves marks on all of us. Some are small marks, some are small tears, some are small hurts, some are big marks. Sometimes the envelope is torn. Sometimes it is just hanging by a thread. Sometimes it gets wet and is almost dissolving. But that is, again, the envelope. It has been through all those things. But you are the letter – the message inside. Whatever happens to the envelope, nothing happens to the message, the awareness, this consciousness.
Of course, this is a simile. And no amount of damage to the outer journey touches what is carried inside within the envelope, and the same within you. Life will have all these different marks and pasts and identities. But you will have to always remember: you are the letter inside, you are the awareness inside, you are the message inside. And don’t confuse the envelope with the message.
So, having listened to all this, I want to ask you a very simple question: If carrying past mistakes and identity causes suffering and it is painful, why do people still do it? And I can see two reasons for it.
One: whenever you make a mistake, a part of us believes that we need to suffer for it. We have to go through a process of penance. Also, a part of the ego feels that, “I have done something really bad or made a mistake, and I am feeling bad because I care. If I stop feeling bad, if I stop punishing myself, that means I don’t care.” But you are confusing guilt and shame with conscience. Self-punishment does not undo the past.
So, if you have made a mistake in the past, the first step is seeing that with honesty and clarity. “I did this, I see the mistake I have done, I see the harm that has caused.” And wherever possible, if the door is still open, you repair, you heal, you make amends. And that is courage because you are bringing back harmony and balance.
Now, along with it, there has to be another movement which is inward, which says, “I want to understand why I made this mistake – the fear, or the desire, or the confusion that drove me to do it.” And having understood this, I choose a different path.
But in all these things, you’ll have to be careful not to make the past an identity. Because the ego loves maintaining a fixed identity because it’s very familiar. It is something which has always been there, and the ego always wants to have something to hold on to. So, some people would say, “You know, you are guilty,” and another person would say, “You’re not guilty, you are the light.” I say you’re neither. You’re neither guilty nor innocent. You are not a label at all. None of these labels belong to you. Neither guilty, nor innocent, nor anything. You are what you are.
And the moment you give up the past with all its labels, that’s the moment this consciousness – this beingness – can start revealing itself in the now.